5 Reason Why I am more miserable than Dilbert

Friday, December 05, 2008

Most of you would have been following or randomly reading Dilbert and enjoying his misery at office. A lot of sadists like Dilbert because it gives them a sadistic feeling there is someone who is in the worse state than they are. I know when you look at someone something, who is not in a good condition as you are, you feel better. I have been doing this since n number of years under observed parental guidance when the usual conversation was initiated by mom in the following fashion “Yeh report card hai tumhara. Yeh number aaye hai, isse kuch hota hai aajkal, isko to bas padhao mat computer pe bitha do, vedio game khilwa lo bas padhai mat karwao. Dekho pados wale Mishra ji ke bête ko har saal first aata hai….” The last line used to be my moment of truth when I would get a line of self defense “Abhi Mishra uncle ke bête ko kyon Sharma uncle ke bête ko bhi dekho who to Doosri baar bhi fail ho gaya, Main kam se kam paas to hua (Large Grin on the face)” and this generally used to end up with a huge lecture from my mom that would have been nominated for Best Mother in Speech giving role in Oscars had the movie bach le India been casted properly.

However getting back from my reminiscence, I was talking about how if Dilbert needed an example to his mom he would surely quote “Nalayak beta” aka yours truly. You want to know why here is my answer-

1- He has to attend boring meetings where there he just sits back and makes fun of people in his thought bubble. I am denied of this pleasure as well, you know having all the meetings by telephone calls. My object of mockery reduces to the mere telephone, which I am too scared to mock lest he might produce disturbances in the line when I order Pizza’s for dinner. I have learnt it hard way you can afford to be on a wrong side of an underworld Don (which most of us really are) being on the other side of the phone might be still more dangerous. It just might allow your manager to pass his teeth momentarily through the line to bite your ear off. It’s possible and very painful, if you don’t believe you can directly (at your own risk) ask Evander Holyfield

2- Then meetings, Dilbert gets donuts in the meeting. That’s so sweet of the company, I mean given the course of the situation I would die for a company offering Donuts in the meeting. I mean how nice is that? When the boss is shouting at top of his voice, gyrating instructions spluttering in his French accent reminding you of his last vacation destination. You silently move your hand forward take a small slice of donut, wrap it up in the chocolate sauce slowly keep in your mouth and wait as the donut and sauce melts in your mouth. Mmmmm What a divine pleasure, 15 second bliss amidst a hell. Lucky Dilbert, but for me chuck it arrrrghh…

3- Now the boss, here is where Dilbert gets really lucky he has one boss the pointed hair one who is a jackass. I am into something which is called as Reporting Structure and which we have for our extra pleasure defined as “Dotted”, pun intended. Now when it comes to assigning work I have four bosses who all in independent capacities of each other can can assign me a full load of work. All this seems trivial when I have a 5th boss who decides how well I have done my work independent of all other four gentleman. His favorite online signature being “How would I know”, yeah of course how would anyone else in the word know? Laugh Mr. Dilbert laugh to your fullest on the misery of this corporate weasel.

4- Now, the method of insults Dilbert is offended by offering him no hikes. But at least he can still feel good about the status quo. I wish life would have been so rosy with a rosy for yours truly. But as man proposes and god disposes, yours truly got a hike a tiny winy one though but optimistic me tries to attain a bliss which is shattered at the next moment identifying the hike was nothing but to equate the pay with the fresh recruits. This is what is called torture and insult Mr. Dilbert, I am sure what would you know of it.

5- The best part about Dilbert’s job which makes me jealous of him is of all things he knows what he is doing and if the project is going to fail or not. But me, the poor me toils hard and toils still harder just to find out the requirement has changed and nothing is freezed as is. I mean I cannot write specs for a nuclear bomb to be made out of used radiator valves, you would not get it Mr. Dilbert do you mind writing all those bloody specs here while I feature myself in the cartoon, for a change what say?

I am sure all of you must be in tears after reading this as I am. So to end this misery of this poor soul all donations can be directed to my bank account. The number will be given to people on special request on the email and phone. The donations are not tax free though, but I promise you when Scott Adams features me as a replacement of Dilbert, I will let you all figure in my cartoon strip. Pakka Promise. :-)

Posted by Prats at 11:09 PM