Ginger & Cardamom

Questions of a Senile Mind

It is a usual evening, where I am sitting on my corner seat, ignored as usual. People think I am a bit odd, may be a bit mad also, but why? Because I come everyday and sit on this corner seat, or may be I walk down such a long distance to reach here. They think that I can not understand the tinge of mockery in their eyes for me. I can, but what I fail to understand is, the reason of the mockery. Is it because I don’t have anyone to give me company or because I am a bit too odd to fit in the type of crowd there? They hide their faces behind their hands and laugh at me trying not to make it obvious that I am on the receiving sides of their humor. Yes that’s true that I can not see their giggling faces, but the glitter in the eyes tell me a lot of things, what it doesn’t tell me is that laugh because I don’t live their kind of life or because I am already had my share of fun and they feel that I am begging for more.

All this fun, mockery, humor and biggest of all, insult still I am here every evening to go through the same set of routine. Yes I can feel it, all of it, but what I can not feel is how I manage to tolerate everything and still be at the same place everyday. Has the sense of indulgence grown bigger than the self esteem I carry? If no, then why I allow myself to be treated in this fashion? All these question haunt me day and night, and even at the time when I set my foot out to take my daily trip. Everyday I go through the same torture and everyday I decide to for go my ego.

I have stopped believing in reason and logic long time ago, but still whatever little I am left with I feel that the sense of loneliness has overpowered me to an extent that I go through a daily dosage of humor, mockery and insult just to have some people around me. So what if they hate me, so what if they despise me, they are the only few who have some time to give a thought about me. Life has an uncanny ability to force me to learn lessons which I never wished to. Never in my thoughts I thought that I would search companionship in loathe, disgust and insult. Never believed what gratification people around me were, never thought that the feeling of being alone can be so haunting and scary. I never thought that I would let go my ego for a mere streak of recognition from some strangers. Sometimes this stupid mind thinks that I have traveled ages to be what I am, but I forgot to carry the map which told me who am I!!!!!! May be its too late or may be NOT!!!!!